Juden

"Did I mention that my sister said hello?" Juden asked as he prepared to go on a patrol.

Ox only met Juden's sister once, and would never forget the occasion. He was still slightly traumatized.

Juden's sister looked nothing like Juden. She had blond, curly hair, a cute little nose, freckles, and a nice looking frame. Juden's hair was short, dark, and coarse, his nose was huge, his skin was vampire pale, and his frame... Well, it is possible that some women found his lanky build pleasing, but most of those were scared off by his personality.

Here, Juden and his sister were identical. The confrontational, to the point, painfully blunt mannerisms helped Juden in his job. He was actually very good at it, and possibly the best in the battalion. Juden wouldn't brag about that, but only because he was too busy bragging about how good looking he was. Similarly, Juden's sister wouldn't brag about going to Harvard for graduate school, but only because she was too busy crushing other people's souls.

Ox learned to keep quiet when Juden's sister was around. Within ten minutes of meeting him, Juden's sister accused Ox of being a racist, sexist, pedophile. Though no one in the house that day actually remembers why, it was the only time Ox ever recalled being accused of any of those things. He explained to Juden that talking to his sister was like being hit in the shins with a baseball bat by a girl scout who you thought was delivering cookies.

"Yeah, she can be that way," Juden replied. "I remember this one time when she was in girl scouts, she told me she had cookies and when I came into her room to steal them, she hit me in the shins with a baseball bat."

"Really?" Ox asked.

"No, but I was trying to sympathize." Juden did not really understand the concept of sympathy. "So, wanna button me up?" Juden also did not understand how homosexual most of his comments sounded when taken out of context.

"I really wish you wouldn't ask like that," Ox muttered as he fastened the back clasp on the custom bandoleer that was part of Juden's highly customized kit. "Doesn't the fact that you can't reach this thing totally negate the quick-release pull cord on your vest?"

"Yeah, but it really functional and comfortable," Juden reasoned, though he really just wore it because he thought it looked cool. "The risk of being trapped in a situation where I need to rapidly remove my vest is small next to the combat benefits of the Individual Maneuver and Battle Augmenting Deliberate Asset Supplement System, or I.M.a.B.A.D.A.S.S.

"If you say so," Ox sighed. The only "custom" items Ox had in his entire kit were a pair of gloves with hardened knuckles he'd stolen from Juden and a canteen pouch he'd modified to hold large amounts of candy. He told everyone that the candy was for the children of Abu Dahbu, which on at least one occasion was almost true, but Ox popped the grubby little thieve's hand with his knuckle gloves before it could open the candy pouch.

"Hearts and minds, my ass" Ox muttered.

"It's what I aim for," Juden replied, munching on some of Ox's candy. "Through my scope."