CPT Hugnis

If a toy company decided to make actions figures based on the men of Ball Company, parents would trample each other on the day after Thanksgiving to buy the CPT Hugnis doll. A third generation graduate of West Point who was a new father of a likely fourth generation, CPT Hugnis was what everyone thinks of when they imagine the perfect US Army Captain. He stood 6'3", had a large jaw, a solid hairline, and a muscular build. He had earned his Ranger tab, his airborne wings, his air assault wings, his pathfinder badge, and some badges that the army invented just for Hugnis family members. These courses involved horribly painful and impossible feats of greatness that only a Hugnis could complete. When he walked into a room full of sheiks, there was no doubt who commanded the company. Though LT Ox was slightly taller and one or two other soldiers slightly bigger, all eyes immediately fixed on what one reported described as a "Tall, strong, rather Achilles looking individual." He was as American as American Football, and as patriotic as The Patriot. When CPT Hugnis spoke, Majors trembled in fear and higher level commanders sat in awe, occasionally whispering to each other "Totally taking credit for that idea."

LT Ox admired CPT Hugnis so much that he aspired to be absolutely nothing like him.

"There is no way I would ever want to be like that," Ox explained to LT Juden, who was also known as mini-Hugnis. "Why would I want to? I've never seen him sleep. I'm not even sure that he knows how. He's a machine, assembled in a factory designed by the ghosts of Patton, Richard the Lionheart, Julius Ceasar, Alexander, and Leonidas."

"You're giving him too much credit," LT Juden said while trying to fix his kit to look exactly like CPT Hugnis's gear. "Don't get me wrong, I try to mimic him in everything I do, but the guy has flaws."

"Oh, I'm sure he does," said LT Ox. "He's probably lousy at video games and can't carry a tune in a bucket."

"Yeah," agreed Juden who was measuring the size of his jaw in the mirror.

"The point I'm trying to make is that when people see you as G.I. Joe, they expect you to be the American Hero," Ox went on. "I'd rather be G.I. Fred, who's really not a bad guy, but you probably wouldn't go to him if you needed to take hill."

"Someday, Ox" Juden sighed, "you're going to realize that you have the potential to be a great officer, a leader of character, and an inspiration to all who see me..." Juden was drifting off and looking into the mirror.

"And someday, Schnozz" Ox replied, "You're going to realize that a big nose does not equal a strong jaw in the 'asthetic qualities of a leader' category."

Ox had to admit that even though Juden was a cocky bastard, he was the hardest working and most effective platoon leader in the company. In that way, he was very much like CPT Hugnis. In fact, this conversation occured just before Juden stepped off for his fifth patrol of the day, having gone without food for over 24 hours and relying solely on adrenaline and energy drinks to keep him going. When the time finally came for him to rest, Juden told Ox that he was so excited about getting to bed that he couldn't sleep. Ox probably would have laughed at the predicament were he not already sound asleep.

Next door, CPT Hugnis was expelling facial hair by flexing his jaw muscles. CPT Hugnis never had to shave.