Major Schmeis

Lt Ox, the Ball Company projects officer, approached the battalion executive officer concerning the development of nonlethal projects in his company’s area of operations.
“Major Schmeis? Sir, Captain Hansel stated that you wanted to speak with me.”
“Huh? Oh, yeah, you’re working the nonlethal efforts for Ball company, right?” The Schmeis was, as always, wearing a perfectly starched and pressed uniform. Granted, that uniform was his PT uniform, but you never would have thought that he had ever done PT in it. It was spotless, and certainly had never been stained by any sweat. “So, you know that in Abu Dahbu, nonlethal is the main effort, right? Well, it’s the main effort everywhere, really. In fact, I don’t even concern myself with lethal aspects. Generally I leave my pistol and rifle behind when I go out on missions. It’s a secure environment now.”
“Didn’t we just lose a soldier last week, Sir?” Lt Ox looked puzzled.
“Well, yeah, we did, but that wasn’t on the FOB, and I’m pretty sure it was just celebratory fire. You’re missing the point, lieutenant. What I’m saying is that the area is secure, and we need to focus our efforts on non-lethal operations. Now, just to make sure you understand what those are, let’s hear what you think.” The major asked.
“Sir, for the past 9 months, I’ve been in charge of coordinating small business grants, canal clearings, medical exercises, and the building of a school. I would imagine it has something to do with using money as a weapon system, Sir.” Lt Ox replied.
“No, son, nonlethal operations don’t use weapons. I told you I leave mine behind when I go out. That’s why they call them Non-lethal. It means they are operations that aren’t lethal. Are you following? No weapons. Not even money.”
“Roger, sir, no money.”
“In fact, money wouldn’t be a very effective weapon system at all, would it? I mean, I’ve held bricks of cash before, and if you went around clubbing people with those, I can’t imagine the results would work out in your favor, now would they?”
LT Ox began, “Sir, that’s not exactly what I meant by using money as a weapon sy…”
“There’s that word 'weapon' again. I don’t care if you club them, throw it at them, launch it from a catapult, or whatever. It’s not on the army’s list of authorized munitions, and you aren’t going to use it as a weapon. That’s an order.” The Major seemed indignant, so LT Ox thought it best to just agree.
“Roger, Sir. No money. No weapons. No money as weapons. No launching money from catapults, sir,” LT Ox serious demeanor was maintained only by his puzzled understanding.
“You’re damn right, no money launched from catapults. I can’t believe you’d even suggest it.” The major fumed. “But then again, you a cherry LT, which means you probably haven’t figured out that artillery has been upgraded since the time of catapults. We use cannons now.”
Lt Ox, the artillery officer for Ball Company, began, “But we can’t launch money from cannons either, Sir, because that would be using money as a weap…”
“You’re damn right we can’t launch money from cannons! Can you imagine how much black powder that would take? I can! One metric assload, that’s how much! And we can’t order black powder in metric assloads, LT! Jesus Christ, cherry.”
“Roger, sir, I understand it only comes in standard shit-tons,” LT Ox replied.
“That’s right! And do you know how to convert standard shit-tons to metric assloads? I don’t, and I’ve been an infantry officer for 15 years! So no launching money from cannons!” The major seemed indignant, and had lost his train of thought. “Where was I?”
“No weapons, sir,” LT Ox was amused by the direction this conversation was taking, but thought it best to end it as quickly as possible before he was court marshaled.
“Right, no weapons! So, as I was saying, we need to begin assessments on all the infrastructure in our area. Now that’s gonna be a big task for you LT. I recommend breaking down one of your company’s platoons and making one “Infra” squad and one “Structure” squad.” The master plan was beginning to form.
“Um, sir, I don’t really, uh, command the company.” LT Ox said. “Captain Hugnis does. I’m pretty sure he won’t let me re-organize a platoon.”
“Well you have to convince him then, don’t you?” Major Schmeis responded. “You have to convince him that nonlethal is the main effort. He should know that, but he’s an infantry officer, so he probably won’t get it. He needs to understand that without an “Infra” squad and a “Structure” squad, there is no way we could possibly accurately assess all the infras and structures in Abu Dahbu. Are you following?”
“Absolutely, sir,” LT Ox was not following.
“So, once you break down the platoon, I need you to assess these projects. First, I want you to check out the hospital and see if they need any medical equipment or new buildings. Second, I want you to find some people to paint some friggin lines down all these roads. I never know if I’m in a passing zone or not because there are no lines in the road. Third, I want you to hire some people to paint all the security barriers in sector. Infantry blue, mostly, but you can also have them paint the Giblet crest in a few murals. Only do that if you feel a sense of pride or admiration for your first combat unit,” he continued, smiling.
LT Ox made a mental note to ensure no Giblets were painted on any of the approximately 3.6 million security barriers in Abu Dahbu, and if he saw one, to paint over it immediately.
“I would also like you to take over the market project. I think we need to buy air conditioners for the entire marketplace. It’s hot as balls out there when I’m trying to buy my groceries, and I’m sick of it. I nearly stained my PTs the other day.”
“Well, sir, it is an outdoor market in the Middle East in August… wait, sir, did you say you were buying groceries outside the FOB in PTs?” LT Ox wondered how many things were wrong with his last sentence.
“Well, no, I didn’t, but the supply truck came by and I wanted to make sure I got some honey buns before that jackass Major Schmeik took them all. The point is, I nearly got sweat on my PTs, so that damn market better get air conditioners and I mean fast!” The executive officer went on to list a long slew of projects involving improvements to all the areas that he had visited, thought he might visit, or had heard about in the nightly meetings, including those from areas that were not in Abu Dahbu. The cumulative price to conduct these projects was somewhere in the neighborhood of an 22.2 billion American dollars, or 367 bazillion Iraqi Dinars. LT Ox thought it might be beneficial to bring this fact up.
“Sir, I was wondering what funding source you would like me to use in order to pay for all these projects,” he asked.
“The funding sources have all been cut off,” he quickly replied. “I told you, no money as a weapons system. You really need to take notes, LT.”
“Roger, sir, that’s why I was asking. If we have no way of paying these people, then I guess I’m not sure why we are starting these projects.” Lieutenant Ox was attempting to use reason, but Major Schmeis had long since built up an immunity to that nonsense.
“Because nonlethal is the main effort, LT. We do nonlethal, or people die. Is that what you want, LT? For people to die? People are dying every day, LT, and if we don’t do nonlethal, people are going to continue to die. You do love America, don’t you?” He asked.
“I do love America, sir.” LT Ox loved America so much that he volunteered to leave it for 15 months at a time to not do projects in Abu Dahbu. It was about a good a place as any to not do projects, when one thought about it. Why, just now, some of his friends were not doing projects in Afghanistan, others were not doing them in the Philippines, and he was sure that even now, there was some super-secret special forces in Iran or Pakistan right now, not doing projects in some small village, attempting to win the hearts and minds.
“That’s what I thought. So you are going to start by assessing all the infras and structures to see how we can kick these projects into high gear.”
“But, sir, we have no money...” LT Ox was very confused at this point.
“Of course we don’t have money, LT. I realize you’re a cherry, but come on, this isn’t that difficult. Nonlethal, in a nutshell, means assessments and projects. We assess, we do projects. You can’t do the project until you have done the assessment. So we need to do the assessments.”
“Roger, sir, but we are assessing projects we can’t do…”
“No, idiot. You can’t assess a project that hasn’t been done! How are we suppose to do an assessment on a project when there is nothing to assess? You have to do the project first, then do the assessment.”
“But sir, didn’t you just say…”
“Listen, LT. I realize we can’t afford projects. But we have to either assess, or do the actual project. We don’t have money for the projects, and we don’t need money to assess. So we are going to assess. We’ll do every damn assessment that we can in this area, and when we’re done with that, we’ll assess our assessments. Then we’ll assess each other’s assessments, and we’ll submit an assessment of these assessments to the brigade commander, and he’ll say, ‘Damn, the Giblets are doing some fine nonlethal down in Abu Dahbu. Let’s give that Major Schmeis a medal.’ And when that day comes, LT Ox, you’ll know why we did these assessments.”