Tiger & Dale

The men who fought in World War II claimed the title "The Greatest Generation." From 1940-1945, approximately a tenth of the population served in the military, fighting the great scourge of Nazis and Imperial Japanese intent on conquering the world.
In the War on Terror, much like the War on Crime, War on Poverty, and War on Hunger (a victory in the U.S., only to spur a drawn out conflict with Obesity), approximately a tenth of the population was vaguely aware that anything remotely resembling a war was happening. No, most of the new generation, aptly nicknamed "The Pretty Good, if somewhat overweight, but at least better than our Hippie Parents Generation" barely understood that somewhere in the world, heavily armed and armored men and women were going out on patrol through remote areas, looking around, and returning to their bases to eat.
That was what happened most of the time. Those stationed at combat outposts had little else to do besides play video games, work out, or eat. Those stationed at the larger bases were fortunate enough to have large Morale and Welfare centers where they could play video games, work out, and eat. Sometimes those centers hosted Salsa nights. These were crazy swinging parties, or probably would have been if anyone had attended them. However, due to a Giblet Standing Order, stating that "Fraternization with female soldiers, particularly of the overweight Hispanic variety, is strongly discouraged and may incur the penalty of extreme ridicule," Salsa night never reached its full potential. Salsa nights may have been the most secret event held on any form of base ever, for in the fifteen months of deployment, only two Giblets ever attended. Their names were SGTs Tiger and Dale. SGT Dale was the Ball company armorer and philosopher. SGT Tiger was the Ball company's chemical sergeant, room assignment sergeant, third country national labor manager sergeant, and heterosexual life-mate to SGT Dale.
SGT Dale and SGT Tiger met just before deployment and the non-romance that ensued was neo-classic. Dale was a redneck who spent the majority of his youth smoking coppius amounts of cannibus and watching the history channel. The vast amount of knowledge he retained warranted at least a Masters Degree in random information, though Dale was clearly working on his dissertation. Tiger, an Afrimexican who looked like an Afriasian, had a chameleonic genetic mutation capable of completely changing his speech and mannerisms based entirely on the company in which he found himself. When with the officers, he was a cynical and elitist college grad. When hanging out with Black or Hispanic soldiers, he was ghetto bum who spoke fluent Ebonics. Rumors flew around Ball company that when directing the efforts of third country national laborers, he spoke Hindi, Pakistani, Farsi, and Arabic, all while applying too much cologne.
With Dale, however, Tiger found his true self. Dale ridiculed Tiger relentlessly for his multiple personalities, forcing Tiger to ridicule Dale for being an intelligent hillbilly. Soon, the conversations turned to other idiosyncrasies in the company, battalion, and army as a whole. In these exchanges, the unlikely duo found their respective equals. Both were united by a hatred for SSG Fugaysi, the extremely talkative supply sergeant. This hatred would later transition to CPT Hansel, who quickly noted that they were the two most competent NCOs in the army and placed the pair directly in his charge. Though initially a welcome change from SSG Fugaysi, CPT Hansel's constant death threats and occasional epileptic fits frustrated the two more than Fugaysi's logistics ramblings ever did. Also, because Hansel understood their effectiveness, he did what every good officer would do with good sergeants; he dumped every last bit of work that came his way on the pair, threatened them accordingly, and hid in his office watching pirated DVD collections of TV shows until the early hours of the morning. This pattern of behavior fueled the relationship between the two sergeants.
Tiger and Dale frequently complained, but always with a witty flare and never in lieu of doing their jobs. Both were possessed with an odd drive to accomplish any tasks assigned to them, and were successful despite their hatred of the job. Their stories about SSG Fugaysi entertained Hansel, their stories about Hansel entertained Ox, and their constant jokes about Juden's nose entertained everyone. Tiger and Dale were the heart and soul of the the company, as well the lungs, the kidneys, the intestines, the liver, the Achilles tendon, bone marrow, and anything else vital to normal bodily function but taken for granted until it's missing.
They were two hobbits from the shire who despite their bumblings still managed to save Middle Earth, if the word "Hobbits" was replaced by "Short NCOs," the word "Shire" was replaced by "South," the word "bumblings" was replaced by "complete lack of any recognition or reward system," and the phrase "save Middle Earth" was replaced by "keep Ball Company from resorting to cannibalism."